The Gilded Margin

I’ve missed a couple days of writing.

Not because I ran out of things to say. Honestly, I think I had too much going on in my head to put any of it into words.

It has been one of those stretches of life where everything seems to happen at once.

And right now, there isn’t really a neat little theme to tie it all together.

I’m grieving Marley.

I’m thinking about some pretty big career questions.

I’m making changes in my health and how I take care of myself.

There are things happening in my personal life that I’m intentionally keeping private while they figure themselves out.

And somewhere in the middle of all of that, I’m still going to work, sitting through training, answering messages, taking care of the house, trying to keep up with life and pretending I know what day it is.

Marley is the hardest part.

I still don’t really have words for losing him.

It happened so quickly. One day he was just Marley. My senior boy. My light of the world.

Then suddenly I was looking at lab results and hearing things I never expected to hear.

I was an hour away at training when everything changed, and I rushed to the doggy ER to be with him.

I made it there.

I got to be with him at the end.

I’m grateful for that, even though I’m absolutely heartbroken.

I’ve cried until my head ached. I’ve been numb. I’ve been okay for a minute and then completely not okay.

I know people say grief comes in waves, but I don’t think you really understand that until you’re in it.

And I’m not looking for a lesson in it yet.

I just miss my dog.

That’s enough for now.

Then there’s work.

I have some decisions in front of me about where I want to go professionally.

Nothing is decided, so I’m not going to pretend it is.

I’m just thinking through what I want the next few years to look like and what kind of work I want to continue building on.

It’s actually an exciting opportunity in a lot of ways, which feels strange to say while I’m also dealing with everything else.

But that’s real life, isn’t it?

You can be heartbroken and still have something good happen.

You can be excited about a possibility and completely overwhelmed by it.

You can have a lot to be grateful for and still have days where you don’t feel grateful at all.

I’ve gotten better at not forcing myself to pick one emotion.

I’ve also been paying attention to my health in a different way.

I’ve had some body issues come up that have made me realize I can’t keep treating myself like I’m still in my twenties and expect my body to just go along with it.

So I’m making changes.

I’m eating better.

I’m drinking better.

I’m working out.

I’m getting more active.

I’ve been doing more Zone 2 cardio and actually paying attention to how I feel instead of just looking at exercise as something I have to check off a list.

And I’ve started my first daily prescription.

That one feels like a little milestone of adulthood nobody talks about.

At some point, you realize your body needs a little more attention than it used to.

And instead of fighting that, I’m trying to listen.

I don’t need some dramatic transformation.

I just want to feel better, take care of myself and hopefully give myself a better chance at being healthy for the life I still want to live.

And some things are just staying mine for now.

I’m learning that I don’t have to tell everyone everything while it’s happening.

Some things are still being figured out.

Some choices aren’t final.

Some personal things deserve a little privacy before they become a public conversation.

I’m okay with that now.

I don’t need to turn every chapter into an announcement.

Sometimes I can just live it.

Maybe I’ll talk about it later.

Maybe I won’t.

Either way, it doesn’t make it any less real.

So that’s where I’ve been.

Not gone.

Not ignoring Gilded Margin.

Just living a particularly full chapter.

A sad one in some places.

A hopeful one in others.

A complicated one.

I’m learning, again, that life doesn’t separate itself into convenient categories.

You don’t get to finish grieving before the next decision arrives.

You don’t get to completely figure out your career before life changes at home.

You don’t get to wait until everything is perfect to start taking better care of yourself.

You just keep going.

Sometimes slowly.

Sometimes badly.

Sometimes with a lot more crying than you’d like to admit.

And sometimes you sit in an advanced fingerprint comparison training class, take notes, drink your coffee and think, Well…I guess we’re doing this today.

So I’m back.

Not with everything figured out.

Not with some inspirational five-step plan.

Just back.

And maybe that’s the most honest version of Life Lately I could write.

I’m here. I’m figuring it out. I’m taking it one day at a time.

And today, that’s enough.